Kids TV makes me angry.

No real surprise there, right? I’m an angry person, clearly. But nothing really gets my goat quite as much as children’s t.v (except Dallas Cowboy fans. Man, they’re annoying.)

Why do I hate it so much?

Because, they treat your kid like they have a mental disorder.

Now, don’t think that I’m making fun of mentally handicapped people by any means, I have nothing against them. My cousin Bland (yes, thats his real name) has mental problems, and I don’t make fun of him.

So don’t get all up in arms.

Back to my point.

You’re kid’s not retarded, they understand, kind of.

So theres no reason why shows have to talk slower than any person will ever talk to your kid.

You want your kid to understand English like Asians understand math? Get one of those speed-talker guys to do a show for your kid. Then they’ll understand what you’re saying before you even finish.

Also, stop putting everyone in the same outfit, and then just changing the colors of their shirts. That’s lazy, and it confuses the hell out of me when my nephew asks who’s who.

I have to just say “Idk buddy, they all look the same. And they look RIDICULOUS.”

And on the point of outfits, stop making their outfits outlandish and stupid. They’re outfits are stupid. I’m talking to you, Wiggles. YOU LOOK STUPID. Don’t fake play instruments, go hard or go home.

If you’re going show people in your show packing stuff into bags, trunks, etc, don’t put a black hole in the bottom of the bag. There’s NO WAY you’re going to fit a closet full of clothes into a backpack. This isn’t Harry Potter people.

So maybe you don’t let your kids watch these horrendous shows. Good for you, move along. You’re not going to understand this anyway. Get outta here, seriously. Leave.

Those were just T.V shows, we’re moving on to cartoons now.

Now, its undeniable that the shows we had in when we were kids, 90’s Nickelodeon, and Cartoon Network, and Disney, they were spectacular. Hell, even up until we were middle school they were tolerable.There was nothing better when you were sick, then some Campbell’s and Tom and Jerry to make you feel better. Plus the fact that you got to stay home was an even sweeter victory. Unless you were really sick, then gross, you should stay home every day.

Cartoons were great, they showed re-runs of classics, like Bugs Bunny, Wil E. Coyote and Roadrunner, and Sylvester and Tweety (I wish they would’ve just let Sylvester eat Tweety, that bird was fucking annoying). They had great shows like Ah! Real Monsters, Cow and Chicken, Angry Beavers, Rollie Pollie Ollie, and Dexters Laboratory (I always though he was adopted. His parents and Dee Dee were too dumb to be related). That’s just a few of the many great ones.

So, what the hell happened? Why does every single person on the Disney Channel think they can sing?

Why did they think it was OK to take the Animaniacs off the air and put garbage like Dora and her retarted cousin Diego on?

Dora is the ONE show I can not stand. At all. I’ll sit there and watch Bubble Guppies and do the hot dog dance with Ethan while we watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, but I’m not going to watch Dora.

First off, when was it ever a good idea to let your kid go somewhere so far and remote that she needed a map to find it?

She has friends, I guess, a monkey in boots, which is impossible. Skip passed the whole idea of “Well its a monkey in boots obviously that doesn’t work) and just realize how hard it is to put shoes on your own toddler. Now multiply that by like 100 and that’s how hard it is to put boots on a monkey (probably).

And who let her hang out with a talking monkey in the first place? what did her mom put in those brownies to make her monkey talk? And you guys remember what happened to that lady and the chimp? ripped her face off. Who’s to say Boots doesn’t go apeshit (haha) one day and snap her neck in half? If only…

Also, because I hate Dora, shouldn’t someone shoot Swiper? He’s a fox, who can conveniently be stopped by just telling him to stop. My dog doesn’t even do that, guaranteed a fox won’t. And who gave him Hamburglar’s secret identity mask and gloves? He’s a fox for god’s sake, him and Boots will punch all over Dora to steal her all important food, and then battle each other because they’re animals.

And why do they think it’s so goddamn clever to have everything she deals with talk? I don’t wanna listen to your stupid backpack talk to me. And I DEFINITELY don’t wanna hear your map sing to me. I don’t want to hear it. Ever. Shut your fucking mouth map. Yea, his names Map. Or something lazy like that.

I understand the whole audience interaction part, but come on Dora. USE YOUR FUCKING EYES. They’re just as brown as mine, except I’m not there with you. And you can clearly see whats in front of you. Maybe if you spent more time paying attention to what’s in front of you instead of talking to me every 5 seconds you could see that Sly Stallone is trying to steal your shit, and that you clearly turn right instead of going straight. You IDIOT.

And no Map, you don’t ride a bike through a lake. Don’t make that an option. Ever.

Dora, you speak Spanish and English, if not piss poorly. But, don’t travel around the world and try to speak their language, especially if you don’t know how to pronounce the word. You look like an asshole Dora.

And stop being so racist.

And stop being on the air. I don’t wanna see your face ever again Dora. Grow up and take care of yourself instead of relying on other people to make every little decision for you.

I hate you Dora.

L.

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