Everybody loves Halloween. Or sort of likes it to a point.

But me?

Eh, not quite sure about it.

On one hand, you have a holiday for kids, where they get to go to other people’s houses and beg for candy.

They get to dress up as whatever they want to, and walk around their entire neighborhood, while their parents walk behind them and just hope and pray that this will be the last house they wanna visit.

Sometimes, even the kids school gets involved, and you get to wear your costume to school. Or, if you’re like me and you wanna be uncomfortable and sweaty because your costume is hot, take it off and keep spare clothes in your grandmas library. Sometimes you get stupid questions though.

“What are you supposed to be Leo?”

“Comfortable, unlike you.”

I’ll get to the slutty side of halloween soon enough. Don’t worry.

One of the funnest things to do on halloween besides trick-or-treating is carving pumpkins. I’ve never been good at it, and I probably will never be, but you know what? I couldn’t care less. My whole year won’t be ruined if my pumpkin ends being shitty. No, seriously one year I tried to carve something that didn’t work so it ended up being a giant hole in the side. It was my proudest pumpkin.

Sometimes though, people take it way too far. I’m looking at you, guy who makes pumpkin dragon. Yea, it looks cool I guess. But you’re just wasting pumpkins because the only thing you carved was the head and tail, so now you just have 8 or 9 pumpkins just chillin’ in the middle of your pumpkin dragon because it needed a body. And of course those pumpkins are the best ones to carve, because now you’ve stuck me with this tiny, shitty little pumpkin that I can’t even carve my name into. My names only 3 letters long.

Guys like that piss me off. Yes, we all know you have a small dick and can carve pumpkins, but we don’t need you to remind us every fucking halloween Dave.

After you so masterfully gutted your pumpkin and carved with the biggest knife you could find, if you didn’t wait until the last minute to pick out a costume, it is time to do just that. Go and get your costume.

Most of you go and buy costumes, but to me, it is way more fun to make them yourself. And if you had a mom that could sew pretty much anything, then you got to be pretty much whatever the hell you wanted. At the end of this blog, I’ll post a picture of me in probably my most favorite halloween costume I’ve ever worn.

Anyway, most kids go to the store without knowing what they want to be. That’s a horrible strategy. Figure out what your stupid kids want to be before you go shopping. And if you can avoid it, don’t go to a big halloween costume retailer. Piece it together with pieces of old clothes from home and clothes from thrift stores.

Piece that shit together and only buy things if necessary.

I can be helpful too people, if only with a hint of sarcasm.

While you’re trick-or-treating, just be careful of your asshole neighbors. I guess on halloween, asshole neighbors step up their game. It’s usually their older kids who hide in the bushes and try and scare you, or sit on the porch as still as they can and then move and try and scare you. So just be wary of those assholes and don’t let your kids run rampant.

On the subject of assholes on halloween, don’t be that giant asshole who puts the candy in a bowl and leaves it outside. No kid in the history of halloween has ever just taken one piece. It’s not going to happen, ok? If you still wanna pass out candy, then you need to be home, in order to mediate greedy ass kids who just dump the entire bowl into their bag.

Let me just tell you now, people who take their babies trick-or-treating, I don’t give a shit about your ugly kid and the stupid costume you put them in. I don’t. It’s not my fault you have to tow them along with you in a wagon because they can’t walk, but don’t take it out on me because I don’t give your 2 month old candy. She’s sure as hell not going to eat it, and you’re just using her as a reason to get yourselves free candy. Well, this isn’t a charity, so leave. Get the fuck out of here with your ugly kid, too.

And yes, when kids go trick-or-treating they expect candy, not fucking pens and pencils taped together and a handful of change.

Also, why is it mandatory that I say trick-or-treat before you give me candy, you old bitch? I’m here for the free candy. I didn’t come over here dressed as Dracula to bullshit with you. I don’t get it.

Now, about the adult version of halloween, or something like that.

There are a good 7 different kinds of a costume you’ll see at a halloween party.

  1. Generic– These are the people who came as Frankenstein, or Dracula, or something like that. Don’t talk to them. They are literally the MOST boring people at the party.
  2. Obscure– These are the people who dress up as something or someone from a show or movie that only a few people will understand. Believe me, I did this, and it’s way easier to just go with what everyone already thinks you are rather than have to explain your costume every single time someone asks you.
  3. Lazy– These are the people that forgot that it was halloween, and only had a couple hours and some office supplies. These are the kind of people that walk around with signs that say what their costume is. Don’t avoid them, they’re just people that are bad under pressure. And they’ll be at work the next day, while you’re busy throwing up in your office desk drawer.
  4. Sluts– We all know they’re going to be there. ANd they’ll come in together. Your goal is to separate 1 or 2 from the group of people they came with and be interesting enough to get them to stay with you. Men are just as guilty as woman here. The next halloween party you go to, look at how many dudes went as say a cop or a firefighter. See? We’re just as guilty. And yes, we ALL know your sexy version of a costume is going to be the best ever, so shut up about it.
  5. OverAchievers– There’s guaranteed to be at least 1 of these at the party. These guys went all out on their costume, because money wasn’t an obstacle and they wanted to be the most authentic party-goer. Yes, it’s awesome and everybody loves it, but just think about how hard it must be for them to make friends. Also, they’re giant robotic arm will at one point in the night destroy the bar of all drinks, so get em while you can.
  6. Bearded Guy– These guy’s are pretty much limited to what they can be. That’s really the only thing I have to say.
  7. GrownUps– You probably won’t see them at your party. October 31st is just another day to them. They’re usually your parents.

Look, at the end of the night, your halloween costume won’t matter, because everyone’s going to be drunk and won’t be able to understand it anyway. My advice, show up about an hour or 2 later than the starting time, because at that time most people will have been drinking for a while and no one will notice you don’t have on a costume.

Look, to me, halloween was just the time that it was ok for me to watch all of the scary shows on T.V and not get weird looks for watching Nosferatu. It was a time where the people from my moms work loved me, because I was the only fat kid for miles that didn’t like candy. I sat at home and passed out candy and occasionally went to trick-or-treat with other people. But in all reality, halloween kind of sucks.

It’s always cold, and you look stupid because your parents made you wear a coat over your costume.Just go and get your free candy. I don’t want your sick kid coughing in my face because he’s sick. That’s not my fault. Don’t take it out on me.

Get your candy and get out of my face.



Girls are kind of assholes.

Every single guy out there will understand exactly what I mean. Well, most guys.

Girls are hypocrites about pretty much everything. Especially when it comes down to you being friends with the girl AND being friends with the guy they’re dating too.

And this comes into play especially when they break up.

Look. I don’t mind talking to you if you’re upset, or pissed off, or whatever. I really don’t. Truthfully, I actually enjoy helping other people out. Quite a lot, even though it seems like I’m this giant douche to everyone. You’ll (hopefully) understand afterwards.

But here’s something I’m not going to do for you. I’m not going to stop being friends with the guy just because you broke up. I’m just not going to do it. It’s not going to happen. If he treated you like shit, then yea, I’ll agree with you and talk to you about that. But I will NOT stop being his friend, ok? I didn’t date, we didn’t break up, he didn’t treat me like shit. So don’t expect me to hate him just because you do. It’s not going to happen, sorry.

I also will not play detective for you. I’m not going to report to you his every move, who he hangs out with, what he does. THat’s his business, not mine. And I’m not going to get into the middle of something or have my name thrown out there because I told you he was hanging out with that bitch Amanda at last friday’s party. I don’t even know Amanda. She’s none of my concern. I feel like if he wanted to let you know what he was doing, he would tell you. Because I sure as hell won’t.

I can’t stand to be put in the middle of anything that happens between you to. I’ll talk to you when he’s being an asshole, but just know that if you bitch to me, I’m going to bitch back. Not necessarily about you or the situation, but just shut the fuck up and listen. I did it for you, at least be courteous enough to do the same in return.

I’m going to say something that is going to piss people. Hell, everything I say makes SOMEONE angry. Here goes.

Look. If you guys have dated multiple times, and each time it ends in you crying because he’s a giant egotistical asshole, then IT’S NEVER GOING TO WORK. EVER.

Got it? Move the fuck on. Get the fuck over him. For the sake of everyone, just fucking forget about it.

Thank you.

Now, here is something I will never understand.

Why do you put up with so much shit from a guy?

He treats you like shit, he only ever wants to get into your pants, he lies to you all the time, and the only time you talk to each other is when it’s convenient for him.

Oh, so you’re in “love” with him?

Are you really?


Exactly. You’re not. And even if you are, that is still no justification to put up with bullshit. Believe me, I put up with bullshit for years before I realized I was better off not dealing with it.

Look, I’m not the nicest guy, but believe me, I can be nice.

But I’m not going to try and be nice to you, because I know I’ll just get taken advantage of and end up hating you in a few months.

So no. I’m not going to be nice to you.

First off, saying nice guys finish last is utter bullshit. It’s just bullshit. It’s just not true.

If you’re a nice guy, and you finish last, you didn’t try hard enough.

When it comes to a girl I like, I will go out of my way to do things that make her happy. No questions asked. But there’s a limit. There has to be a limit. If there’s no limit, then you’ll get sucked into doing shit you didn’t even know you would ever do.

But see, I’ve come to learn that there’s a fine line between being a girls best friend, and being a girls interest. Yes, maybe one day you’ll go from being her best friend to becoming her boyfriend, and so on and so forth. But for now, you’re her go-to when she’s upset, mad, happy, whatever. And you know what? Be there. Don’t judge. Just be there. You’re going to have to have to put up with seeing her go through boyfriends like it’s her job, and it’s going to frustrate the hell out of you. But suck it buttercup. Deal with it. She’ll soon realize who was there the whole time, who she really had the best times with, all that good stuff. But right now, you’ve just gotta be there.

Girls, you like that kind of shit, don’t you? Yea, it’s great. But don’t fuck us over, because it’ll be hard for you to earn our trust back if ever. Don’t feed false hope into us, and don’t tell us you like us if you don’t. Don’t tell us you like us because Johnny’s being an asshole and we’re the only ones that are willing to put up with your whining. Don’t do it. Because we’re going to eventually realize that we like a hell of a lot more than we should, and it’s going to turn into this big huge thing where you end up telling us you don’t like us like that, and then we’ll hate you. Well actually, we still absolutely adore you, but we’ll become a giant dick to you. But don’t say it’s not deserved. Girls honestly love any boyfriend they’ve been in a relationship with for longer then 2 weeks. But when most guys tell you they love you, they fucking mean. And no, we’re not going to get over it as fast as you, so shut up about how I need to get over it. It’s not going to happen.

Now see, when you fuck over a dude, we take that shit personally. Honestly. We don’t show our emotions as easily as you do, but that’s just because we’re afraid of:

  1. Being fucked over. Again.
  2. Getting made fun of by our friends for being a bitch. Oh, it happens, and it sucks. Unless you have friends that feel the same as you. Otherwise cry alone buddy.
  3. Sometimes we’re afraid that you think we actually care about certain things you have to say. If we just nod our heads and say “Yea”, we probably don’t give a shit. Honestly. We don’t care about your stupid T.V. shows, we just wanna watch ESPN. So shut the hell up, PLEASE.
  4. Finally, we don’t wanna show you that sometimes you’re the one thing holding us together. Yea, we have moments where we break down and realize that shit’s not going our way, and it never will. Just let us have those moments to ourselves unless we come to you by ourself.

Look, I hate talking about ANYTHING. Feelings especially. But if I come and talk to you about how I feel, don’t be a judgmental dick, just fucking listen. And no, I don’t want to know what you think unless I ask. I really don’t.

If we, as men, put our trust in you about anything, and especially if you know EVERYTHING, don’t betray that trust. Just don’t. Because then we’ll hate you. And when we hate someone, we always hate them.

Girls, if we can trust you with how we feel and how fucked up we are, then for all of the God’s sake, trust us too. We’re trustworthy, and, we’re not girls, and we’re not interested in other peoples life’s, so we’re not going to gossip. Especially because we know none of our friends really give a flying fuck about what we have to say.

So, I’m going to propose something that is just going to fucking blow your mind.

Girls, stop telling us you love us if you just want us to put up with your bullshit while you date dudes who treat you like shit and call you a bitch every five seconds and argue with you about everything, and we as men will try to be more open with our feelings and shit and maybe one day we’ll all get along better.

Stop being assholes girls, and we’ll stop whatever we’re doing.

But I’m not going to drop everything I’m doing to listen to you bitch about how shitty your situation is because you put yourself there and now you’re realizing that it truly is as shitty as we told you.

I’m just not.

You know what I’m going to say?

I told you so.


I’m such an angry person. Deal with it.

Alright, well, I’m a lot madder than usual.

This fucking website deleted my post.

My post I’ve been working on for the past 4 hours is down the drain.This stupid website has autosaved every single one of my posts. Every single one. This one time I actually needed the autosave feature to work on my blog, the website completely just shit all over what I was working on.

Fuck it. I guess I’ll just have to re-write everything I just wrote some other time.

Right now, I’m just going to tell some frustrations.

I’m in the mood to just yell about stuff, so buckle up, because I’m going to lose my mind for a little bit.

First off, this fucking rain delay ruined my chance of seeing the Tigers go to the World Series. So that happened. Just wanted to share that.

Also, I got called un-American because I told someone I watch soccer. I guess it was because I said the MLS is a joke, and I watch Barclays Premier League? I guess I’ll never know.

Lets see. Some things that pissed me off this week.

Oh. Shopping. Fucking hate it. I hate shopping. Well, when I say I hate shopping, I mean for myself. I hate shopping for myself. For some reason, I love to shop for other people, as weird as that sounds. Hell, it might not even sound weird. Whatever.

The thing I most hate about shopping is the people. Especially the people that take it WAY too serious.

Look, your stupid kid really doesn’t need all those toys you bought him. You spoiled the shit out of him, and now he expects you to get him whatever he wants whenever he wants. He really doesn’t need the toys you got him. They’re just going to be covered in snot and McDonalds in two weeks when they’re broken. Put them back. And stop pushing and shoving each other to get the shit you want. I promise it isn’t that important that you need to get into fist fights with other women in the middle of Target because the deals are fucking unbeatable. I promise that if you didn’t wait until the very last minute to buy what you needed, you wouldn’t be sitting on a stretcher in the front of the store with an oxygen mask on.

Now, when it comes to that kind of shopping, I always trust my Aunt Peggy. She has a plan mapped out and a strategy and its amazing to see.

The funniest part of shopping is seeing all of the guys who fucking hate it. The only reason they’re there is because of their wives. They’re forced to be there, and every single one of them shares the same fucking hatred for having to wake up before the sun rises to get fabric at 70% off.

Another thing, don’t cut me in line. No one is stealing the things you have in your cart, and the cash register isn’t going to suddenly catch fire and now you’re without your things. You have everything you want in your cart. If you waited until everything in your life was going to all hell because you didn’t get to buy a television for $150, I can guarantee you will have the patience to wait the extra 5 minutes for me to check-out. And actually, if you cut me, I’ll make your ass wait longer. I’ll purposely make your whole day a hate fest towards me if you cut me.

Don’t do it, you’ll regret it.

Here’s something thats always pissed me off.

The fact that people get SO worked up at the fact that people swear.

Yes, I fucking love to swear. But why is it that these words were deemed “bad words”?

Also, why is it that I’m not allowed to swear in papers or anything that I have to do for school? This is my one exception. This is how i fucking talk, on a regular basis. Why do I now have to starch my collar and pull out my pompous vocabulary to satisfy someone? If you don’t like the way I talk, or the things I say, then don’t talk to me or listen. It won’t hurt my feelings.

There are just some things you can’t express with regular words. Sometimes swearing just drives a point home. Like if you’re bored. I’ll say: “I’m really fucking bored.” Not only does it tell you that I’m bored, but I’m FUCKING bored. There is a difference, and you know it just as well as I do.

Here’s a rule about this blog. Not a rule, but you know what I mean. I have NO sympathy for you if you get offended by what I post on here. None. I’m not forcing you to read this. You did it on your own. That’s on you. Not me. So don’t come to me and bitch and moan about how what I said was mean. because I do not give a shit about it. You read. If you didn’t like it, don’t fucking read it again. Simple as that.

Next week will be better, i promise. But to be honest, it will probably be the same. See ya then.



The Bibles greatest hits (sort of)

First off, here’s a quote I want to share: 

“To gild refined gold, to paint the lily,
To throw perfume on the violet… is just fucking silly”

                  -Tim Minchin

Hopefully that sums up what I think. No? Well, give me a chance to explain myself.

I find a lot of things silly in this world, unnecessary. 

And frankly, religion is one of them.

Now, before every one of my friends and my family ostracize me for making such a bold statement, I’m not trying to make fun of anyones beliefs or faith or anything.

But if every day I’m going to get religion shoved in my face in one way or another, I think it’s only fair if i was also allowed to shove my beliefs back into their faces.

I’m not though, that is “bashing on someones religion”.

Which I’m not trying to do.

I think saying I was going to shove my beliefs back into someone else’s faces was the wrong phrase. I think I meant “express my opinion”. 

Does anyone do that anymore?

No? Just turned into riots?

Ok, never mind.

I’m a bit scatterbrained, but cut me some slack. I’ve got a lot to say, surprisingly.

Story time.

A week ago from me writing this, I put a status on Facebook about how I was confused about why people were allowed to treat homosexuals differently from the rest of the population. And in it, I said something about how in the Bible it says something about not being able to cut your hair.

Now, I was told countless times I was wrong, and that I should get my facts straight before I say stuff like that, etc.

And you know what?

They were right.

About the resources part, not the homosexual part. (I, by the way, believe they should be treated the exact same as everyone else. Who the hell cares what I think.)

Anyway, you guys wanted me to include the chapters and titles and whatever else so you can go look up  my stupid thoughts, so thats what I’m going to do. Just a few things. Sound fair?


Religion never is.

1) When I was talking about the hair cutting thing, I was talking about Leviticus 19:27, which reads:

“You shall not round off the side-growth of your head nor harm the edges of your beard.”

In other words, having a bowl cut not only makes you look REALLY stupid, but you’re sinning. Also, every single clean shaven man is a spawn of Satan. 

Or something like that.

2) Let’s talk about tattoos. I love them, my sister loves them. They’re a permanent way to express yourself. 

Unless you get a tramp stamp.

The only thing thats good for is expressing how easy it is to talk you into anything, and you don’t even have to be drunk. 

Anyway, Leviticus 19:28:

“You shall not make any cuts in your body for the dead nor make any tattoo marks on yourselves: I am the Lord.”

That’s right. That tattoo you got to commemorate how amazing of a person your grandma was because she fought off cancer 4 times and was a major influence in your life? How about the cross/rosary you got on you because you love God?

That, my friend, is a one-way ticket to the eternal sin bin. So buckle up and get ready.

3) This one is for my Dad, only because he refuses to dress for shows in anything other than his Lenny Kravitz clothes, or his eternal Hell-bound polyester. 

That’s right dad, polyester is a giant no-no. 

Good thing you never cut your hair.

Anyway, Leviticus 19:19 states:

“You are to keep My statutes. You shall not breed together two kinds of your cattle; you shall not sow your field with two kinds of seed,nor wear a garment upon you of two kinds of material mixed together.”

So, it sounds like farmers that grow 2 or more different types of seeds is going to have to say 10 Hail Mary’s and throw out all that garbage that isn’t his main crop. 

And you Dad, you sinning son of a sinner. 

4) I don’t mean to stir up anything, but I totally do. 

All you divorced people are sinning. 

Remember, God is always watching.

From a recliner, with a remote, eating Cheetos, probably in a robe and boxers.

At least that’s how I see it.

I swear, it’s right here in Mark 10:8:

“What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.”

Mark 10:11-12 gets even dicier:

 “And He said to them, ‘Whoever divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her; and if she herself divorces her husband and marries another man, she is committing adultery.'”

So, if you don’t like who you married, that’s your own fault, you’re stuck with them. 


5) You know those fancy clothes, the jewelry you’re wearing, and that gold bracelet your grandma gave you?


Complete and udder disregard for the Bible.

Seriously. Timothy 2:9:

“Likewise, I want women to adorn themselves with proper clothing, modestly and discreetly, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly garments.”

Suck it, Kardashians. 

You God hating, Bible disregarding, ignorant fools.

Also, America as a country just can’t stand you.


I know that some of these cite the Old Testament, which Christianity doesn’t necessarily adhere to as law.

To which I say: If you’re going to ignore the section of Leviticus that bans about tattoos, pork, shellfish, round haircuts, polyester and football, how can you possibly turn around and quote Leviticus 18:22 (“You shall not lie with a male as one lies with a female; it is an abomination.”) as irrefutable law?

Remember guys, God gave us a gift, and like most gifts you get, it was a book.

Don’t worry, though… just because I’m pointing it out, that doesn’t mean you now have to follow it. It’s a lot easier to keep discriminating against gay people for no particular reason than to stop eating bacon, after all. 

I’ve never really enjoyed church, or religion as a whole. I get that people need something or someone who is always there, never judges, blah blah blah. I get it. I really do.

But I stopped having imaginary friends when I was a kid. 

Believe what you want. Just don’t shove those beliefs in my face if you’re not ready to hear what else the Bible says.

Why would you put the Old Testament in the Bible if you’re not going to follow it?

“Things were different back then”, you might say.

So now it’s a matter of convenience?

Is that really your argument?


Here is something else I simply have NEVER understood.

I was taught, that you basically live your entire life for “Him”.

If I’m going to my life for ANYONE, it’s not going to be for some man in the sky, if “God” is even indeed a man.

It’s going to be for the people here, who I love, who I care about. I’m not worried about after I’m dead. 

I’ll be dead. I won’t be able to care for them anymore, I’m dead.

To tell them after I’m dead “Leo’s is looking down you, right now.”, is:

1)Obvious. I’m 6’1″, I’m taller than basically every single person in my family. Almost everyone. And,

2)Ridiculous. Just so you know, or you’re not aware, when you die, they BURY YOU IN THE GROUND. Or, they burn you, and then you get littered somewhere. You’re not above them. At best, you’re maybe eye level. At BEST.

Hell, no one knows for sure what happens after you die, because they’re dead and can’t talk to you. That’s beside the point.

Who cares what happens after you die? why are we so worried about what happens to us AFTER we live this life? Isn’t this good enough? Just, this? Why are we so concerned about what MIGHT happen after we die? Live for who and what you are right now. Stop worrying about what happens after you croak. 

And stop worrying about what happens after you’re done here. You go into the ground, or get spread all over it, sort of like you’re giving the middle finger to “Mother Earth”.

This world was not made in 7 days, it is MUCH older than the few thousand years the Bible claims it to be. You know why?


Dinosaurs, Neanderthals, cave paintings, ancient bugs caught in amber, fossils, what else do you want?

Oh, I guess you think people just made those up.

Shame, really. 

Here’s a question, why do I HAVE to get married? Because it’s the social norm?

If I don’t want to get married (which hey, I’m still young, I might one day), then why is that not ok? Why? It’s my choice, not yours.


Reading Auras is like reading minds.

Or tea-leaves or star-signs or meridian lines

These people aren’t plying a skill, they’re either lying or mentally ill.

Same goes for those who claim to hear God’s demands and Spiritual healers who think they’ve magic hands.

By the way, why do we think it’s ok to tell people you can talk to the dead? Why is it ok to talk to the crying mother of a dead child and tell her you’re in touch with the other-side?

I think that’s fundamentally sick.

Do we need to clarify here, that there’s no such thing as a psychic?

What, are we fucking 2?

Do we actually think that Horton Heard a Who?

Do we still believe that Santa brings us gifts?

That Michael Jackson didn’t have facelifts?

Are you so stunned by these magic tricks that you can’t do your own research? 

It just seems like people who are religious will just believe, “It’s the word of ‘God'”, but how do you know?

Why do you take your truth lying down?

Think for yourself. Make your own judgments.

But do it YOURSELF.

Live your life for YOURSELF. Live it the way you want to live, within moral boundaries, of course. I’m not giving you permission to murder someone or run them over with your car. What I’m saying is that it seems like religious people are living their life for a “higher power”, or whatever mumbo jumbo they come up with.

But, why?

Why is it ok that the Church, the Pope, the Vatican, and everyone of the sort can just pick and choose what they want to believe in, or the fact that some things priests/deacons do is just swept under the rug, and the repercussion is a slap on the wrist?

I read a story once were a Deacon had been, yes, inappropriately touching the altar boys. 

You know what the Church did?

Moved him to another church.

I’m not saying every Priest or Deacon is bad. Not at all.

But if you can’t punish the bad, how do you reward the good?

Think about it.

That’s me trying to introduce logic to religious fanaticism (or, at least, trying to counter some mix of ignorance, bigotry and narcissism with logic). And I should probably know better.