The Bibles greatest hits (sort of)

First off, here’s a quote I want to share: 

“To gild refined gold, to paint the lily,
To throw perfume on the violet… is just fucking silly”

                  -Tim Minchin

Hopefully that sums up what I think. No? Well, give me a chance to explain myself.

I find a lot of things silly in this world, unnecessary. 

And frankly, religion is one of them.

Now, before every one of my friends and my family ostracize me for making such a bold statement, I’m not trying to make fun of anyones beliefs or faith or anything.

But if every day I’m going to get religion shoved in my face in one way or another, I think it’s only fair if i was also allowed to shove my beliefs back into their faces.

I’m not though, that is “bashing on someones religion”.

Which I’m not trying to do.

I think saying I was going to shove my beliefs back into someone else’s faces was the wrong phrase. I think I meant “express my opinion”. 

Does anyone do that anymore?

No? Just turned into riots?

Ok, never mind.

I’m a bit scatterbrained, but cut me some slack. I’ve got a lot to say, surprisingly.

Story time.

A week ago from me writing this, I put a status on Facebook about how I was confused about why people were allowed to treat homosexuals differently from the rest of the population. And in it, I said something about how in the Bible it says something about not being able to cut your hair.

Now, I was told countless times I was wrong, and that I should get my facts straight before I say stuff like that, etc.

And you know what?

They were right.

About the resources part, not the homosexual part. (I, by the way, believe they should be treated the exact same as everyone else. Who the hell cares what I think.)

Anyway, you guys wanted me to include the chapters and titles and whatever else so you can go look up  my stupid thoughts, so thats what I’m going to do. Just a few things. Sound fair?

No?

Religion never is.

1) When I was talking about the hair cutting thing, I was talking about Leviticus 19:27, which reads:

“You shall not round off the side-growth of your head nor harm the edges of your beard.”

In other words, having a bowl cut not only makes you look REALLY stupid, but you’re sinning. Also, every single clean shaven man is a spawn of Satan. 

Or something like that.

2) Let’s talk about tattoos. I love them, my sister loves them. They’re a permanent way to express yourself. 

Unless you get a tramp stamp.

The only thing thats good for is expressing how easy it is to talk you into anything, and you don’t even have to be drunk. 

Anyway, Leviticus 19:28:

“You shall not make any cuts in your body for the dead nor make any tattoo marks on yourselves: I am the Lord.”

That’s right. That tattoo you got to commemorate how amazing of a person your grandma was because she fought off cancer 4 times and was a major influence in your life? How about the cross/rosary you got on you because you love God?

That, my friend, is a one-way ticket to the eternal sin bin. So buckle up and get ready.

3) This one is for my Dad, only because he refuses to dress for shows in anything other than his Lenny Kravitz clothes, or his eternal Hell-bound polyester. 

That’s right dad, polyester is a giant no-no. 

Good thing you never cut your hair.

Anyway, Leviticus 19:19 states:

“You are to keep My statutes. You shall not breed together two kinds of your cattle; you shall not sow your field with two kinds of seed,nor wear a garment upon you of two kinds of material mixed together.”

So, it sounds like farmers that grow 2 or more different types of seeds is going to have to say 10 Hail Mary’s and throw out all that garbage that isn’t his main crop. 

And you Dad, you sinning son of a sinner. 

4) I don’t mean to stir up anything, but I totally do. 

All you divorced people are sinning. 

Remember, God is always watching.

From a recliner, with a remote, eating Cheetos, probably in a robe and boxers.

At least that’s how I see it.

I swear, it’s right here in Mark 10:8:

“What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.”

Mark 10:11-12 gets even dicier:

 “And He said to them, ‘Whoever divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her; and if she herself divorces her husband and marries another man, she is committing adultery.'”

So, if you don’t like who you married, that’s your own fault, you’re stuck with them. 

Forever.

5) You know those fancy clothes, the jewelry you’re wearing, and that gold bracelet your grandma gave you?

Sin.

Complete and udder disregard for the Bible.

Seriously. Timothy 2:9:

“Likewise, I want women to adorn themselves with proper clothing, modestly and discreetly, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly garments.”

Suck it, Kardashians. 

You God hating, Bible disregarding, ignorant fools.

Also, America as a country just can’t stand you.

Leave. 

I know that some of these cite the Old Testament, which Christianity doesn’t necessarily adhere to as law.

To which I say: If you’re going to ignore the section of Leviticus that bans about tattoos, pork, shellfish, round haircuts, polyester and football, how can you possibly turn around and quote Leviticus 18:22 (“You shall not lie with a male as one lies with a female; it is an abomination.”) as irrefutable law?

Remember guys, God gave us a gift, and like most gifts you get, it was a book.

Don’t worry, though… just because I’m pointing it out, that doesn’t mean you now have to follow it. It’s a lot easier to keep discriminating against gay people for no particular reason than to stop eating bacon, after all. 

I’ve never really enjoyed church, or religion as a whole. I get that people need something or someone who is always there, never judges, blah blah blah. I get it. I really do.

But I stopped having imaginary friends when I was a kid. 

Believe what you want. Just don’t shove those beliefs in my face if you’re not ready to hear what else the Bible says.

Why would you put the Old Testament in the Bible if you’re not going to follow it?

“Things were different back then”, you might say.

So now it’s a matter of convenience?

Is that really your argument?

Really?

Here is something else I simply have NEVER understood.

I was taught, that you basically live your entire life for “Him”.

If I’m going to my life for ANYONE, it’s not going to be for some man in the sky, if “God” is even indeed a man.

It’s going to be for the people here, who I love, who I care about. I’m not worried about after I’m dead. 

I’ll be dead. I won’t be able to care for them anymore, I’m dead.

To tell them after I’m dead “Leo’s is looking down you, right now.”, is:

1)Obvious. I’m 6’1″, I’m taller than basically every single person in my family. Almost everyone. And,

2)Ridiculous. Just so you know, or you’re not aware, when you die, they BURY YOU IN THE GROUND. Or, they burn you, and then you get littered somewhere. You’re not above them. At best, you’re maybe eye level. At BEST.

Hell, no one knows for sure what happens after you die, because they’re dead and can’t talk to you. That’s beside the point.

Who cares what happens after you die? why are we so worried about what happens to us AFTER we live this life? Isn’t this good enough? Just, this? Why are we so concerned about what MIGHT happen after we die? Live for who and what you are right now. Stop worrying about what happens after you croak. 

And stop worrying about what happens after you’re done here. You go into the ground, or get spread all over it, sort of like you’re giving the middle finger to “Mother Earth”.

This world was not made in 7 days, it is MUCH older than the few thousand years the Bible claims it to be. You know why?

Dinosaurs.

Dinosaurs, Neanderthals, cave paintings, ancient bugs caught in amber, fossils, what else do you want?

Oh, I guess you think people just made those up.

Shame, really. 

Here’s a question, why do I HAVE to get married? Because it’s the social norm?

If I don’t want to get married (which hey, I’m still young, I might one day), then why is that not ok? Why? It’s my choice, not yours.

MINE. Not YOURS.

Reading Auras is like reading minds.

Or tea-leaves or star-signs or meridian lines

These people aren’t plying a skill, they’re either lying or mentally ill.

Same goes for those who claim to hear God’s demands and Spiritual healers who think they’ve magic hands.

By the way, why do we think it’s ok to tell people you can talk to the dead? Why is it ok to talk to the crying mother of a dead child and tell her you’re in touch with the other-side?

I think that’s fundamentally sick.

Do we need to clarify here, that there’s no such thing as a psychic?

What, are we fucking 2?

Do we actually think that Horton Heard a Who?

Do we still believe that Santa brings us gifts?

That Michael Jackson didn’t have facelifts?

Are you so stunned by these magic tricks that you can’t do your own research? 

It just seems like people who are religious will just believe, “It’s the word of ‘God'”, but how do you know?

Why do you take your truth lying down?

Think for yourself. Make your own judgments.

But do it YOURSELF.

Live your life for YOURSELF. Live it the way you want to live, within moral boundaries, of course. I’m not giving you permission to murder someone or run them over with your car. What I’m saying is that it seems like religious people are living their life for a “higher power”, or whatever mumbo jumbo they come up with.

But, why?

Why is it ok that the Church, the Pope, the Vatican, and everyone of the sort can just pick and choose what they want to believe in, or the fact that some things priests/deacons do is just swept under the rug, and the repercussion is a slap on the wrist?

I read a story once were a Deacon had been, yes, inappropriately touching the altar boys. 

You know what the Church did?

Moved him to another church.

I’m not saying every Priest or Deacon is bad. Not at all.

But if you can’t punish the bad, how do you reward the good?

Think about it.

That’s me trying to introduce logic to religious fanaticism (or, at least, trying to counter some mix of ignorance, bigotry and narcissism with logic). And I should probably know better.

L.

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2 thoughts on “The Bibles greatest hits (sort of)

  1. Leo! I have to comment on ablog so I will just comment on yours… Haha. Pretty damn funny to be honest, also very well written I am impressed. Go tigers!

  2. Dude, I’m making a reference to this log in my MC 111 class, I fucking love this stuff.

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