Everybody loves Halloween. Or sort of likes it to a point.

But me?

Eh, not quite sure about it.

On one hand, you have a holiday for kids, where they get to go to other people’s houses and beg for candy.

They get to dress up as whatever they want to, and walk around their entire neighborhood, while their parents walk behind them and just hope and pray that this will be the last house they wanna visit.

Sometimes, even the kids school gets involved, and you get to wear your costume to school. Or, if you’re like me and you wanna be uncomfortable and sweaty because your costume is hot, take it off and keep spare clothes in your grandmas library. Sometimes you get stupid questions though.

“What are you supposed to be Leo?”

“Comfortable, unlike you.”

I’ll get to the slutty side of halloween soon enough. Don’t worry.

One of the funnest things to do on halloween besides trick-or-treating is carving pumpkins. I’ve never been good at it, and I probably will never be, but you know what? I couldn’t care less. My whole year won’t be ruined if my pumpkin ends being shitty. No, seriously one year I tried to carve something that didn’t work so it ended up being a giant hole in the side. It was my proudest pumpkin.

Sometimes though, people take it way too far. I’m looking at you, guy who makes pumpkin dragon. Yea, it looks cool I guess. But you’re just wasting pumpkins because the only thing you carved was the head and tail, so now you just have 8 or 9 pumpkins just chillin’ in the middle of your pumpkin dragon because it needed a body. And of course those pumpkins are the best ones to carve, because now you’ve stuck me with this tiny, shitty little pumpkin that I can’t even carve my name into. My names only 3 letters long.

Guys like that piss me off. Yes, we all know you have a small dick and can carve pumpkins, but we don’t need you to remind us every fucking halloween Dave.

After you so masterfully gutted your pumpkin and carved with the biggest knife you could find, if you didn’t wait until the last minute to pick out a costume, it is time to do just that. Go and get your costume.

Most of you go and buy costumes, but to me, it is way more fun to make them yourself. And if you had a mom that could sew pretty much anything, then you got to be pretty much whatever the hell you wanted. At the end of this blog, I’ll post a picture of me in probably my most favorite halloween costume I’ve ever worn.

Anyway, most kids go to the store without knowing what they want to be. That’s a horrible strategy. Figure out what your stupid kids want to be before you go shopping. And if you can avoid it, don’t go to a big halloween costume retailer. Piece it together with pieces of old clothes from home and clothes from thrift stores.

Piece that shit together and only buy things if necessary.

I can be helpful too people, if only with a hint of sarcasm.

While you’re trick-or-treating, just be careful of your asshole neighbors. I guess on halloween, asshole neighbors step up their game. It’s usually their older kids who hide in the bushes and try and scare you, or sit on the porch as still as they can and then move and try and scare you. So just be wary of those assholes and don’t let your kids run rampant.

On the subject of assholes on halloween, don’t be that giant asshole who puts the candy in a bowl and leaves it outside. No kid in the history of halloween has ever just taken one piece. It’s not going to happen, ok? If you still wanna pass out candy, then you need to be home, in order to mediate greedy ass kids who just dump the entire bowl into their bag.

Let me just tell you now, people who take their babies trick-or-treating, I don’t give a shit about your ugly kid and the stupid costume you put them in. I don’t. It’s not my fault you have to tow them along with you in a wagon because they can’t walk, but don’t take it out on me because I don’t give your 2 month old candy. She’s sure as hell not going to eat it, and you’re just using her as a reason to get yourselves free candy. Well, this isn’t a charity, so leave. Get the fuck out of here with your ugly kid, too.

And yes, when kids go trick-or-treating they expect candy, not fucking pens and pencils taped together and a handful of change.

Also, why is it mandatory that I say trick-or-treat before you give me candy, you old bitch? I’m here for the free candy. I didn’t come over here dressed as Dracula to bullshit with you. I don’t get it.

Now, about the adult version of halloween, or something like that.

There are a good 7 different kinds of a costume you’ll see at a halloween party.

  1. Generic– These are the people who came as Frankenstein, or Dracula, or something like that. Don’t talk to them. They are literally the MOST boring people at the party.
  2. Obscure– These are the people who dress up as something or someone from a show or movie that only a few people will understand. Believe me, I did this, and it’s way easier to just go with what everyone already thinks you are rather than have to explain your costume every single time someone asks you.
  3. Lazy– These are the people that forgot that it was halloween, and only had a couple hours and some office supplies. These are the kind of people that walk around with signs that say what their costume is. Don’t avoid them, they’re just people that are bad under pressure. And they’ll be at work the next day, while you’re busy throwing up in your office desk drawer.
  4. Sluts– We all know they’re going to be there. ANd they’ll come in together. Your goal is to separate 1 or 2 from the group of people they came with and be interesting enough to get them to stay with you. Men are just as guilty as woman here. The next halloween party you go to, look at how many dudes went as say a cop or a firefighter. See? We’re just as guilty. And yes, we ALL know your sexy version of a costume is going to be the best ever, so shut up about it.
  5. OverAchievers– There’s guaranteed to be at least 1 of these at the party. These guys went all out on their costume, because money wasn’t an obstacle and they wanted to be the most authentic party-goer. Yes, it’s awesome and everybody loves it, but just think about how hard it must be for them to make friends. Also, they’re giant robotic arm will at one point in the night destroy the bar of all drinks, so get em while you can.
  6. Bearded Guy– These guy’s are pretty much limited to what they can be. That’s really the only thing I have to say.
  7. GrownUps– You probably won’t see them at your party. October 31st is just another day to them. They’re usually your parents.

Look, at the end of the night, your halloween costume won’t matter, because everyone’s going to be drunk and won’t be able to understand it anyway. My advice, show up about an hour or 2 later than the starting time, because at that time most people will have been drinking for a while and no one will notice you don’t have on a costume.

Look, to me, halloween was just the time that it was ok for me to watch all of the scary shows on T.V and not get weird looks for watching Nosferatu. It was a time where the people from my moms work loved me, because I was the only fat kid for miles that didn’t like candy. I sat at home and passed out candy and occasionally went to trick-or-treat with other people. But in all reality, halloween kind of sucks.

It’s always cold, and you look stupid because your parents made you wear a coat over your costume.Just go and get your free candy. I don’t want your sick kid coughing in my face because he’s sick. That’s not my fault. Don’t take it out on me.

Get your candy and get out of my face.



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